Why blaming the victim often works

First off, thank you everyone for your support. It might be silly but it has made writing the letter to my mother a bit easier.

I also realized something as I struggled with my fear of telling my mother. He has done exactly what experts say a victimizer will do to the victim. He made me afraid.

Not of him but of talking.

I'm a twenty five year old woman, a homeowner, a teacher, and someone who had no problem telling a stalker where to get off and I'm terrified that my mother will read his email/talk to him and decided that I led her husband on. Why on earth should I feel this way?

I certainly haven't done anything wrong. I know I didn't lead him on. I know I didn't give off signals. And it isn't like I haven't made my mother aware of past incidents. She knows about him walking in on me and some of the other incidents. She'd confronted him, made him get counseling. I later moved out and he seemed to be better. Sorry even.

I shouldn't be scared of telling her about this, but I am.

It's very easy to say, "why didn't she just tell her mother" when watching something on CourtTv. It's easy to wondering "why didn't she just say no". Or "I wouldn't have let that happen".

We never think those things if the victim is a child. No one ever says about a five year old molested by anyone that they were leading the person on (expect maybe the molester). So why is it that when a teenager or a young adult is put in the same situations blaming the victim seems to be almost a kneejerk reaction? So much so that victims blame themselves with no outside influence.

"You should have worn that." "You were asking for it." "You gave you signals." "I'm impulsive, you should have said no." "You didn't make me stop, you must have liked it."

No woman should ever have to hear those words for anyone.


I'm not sure if any of this makes much sense but it helps to put it in writing. Is it time for Ka'zoo yet? I need the distraction.

"And you didn't say no..."

Edit: For some reason the last part of the post was originally cut off, I've now fixed it.

Today I received an email on my lunch break that I'm not sure how to deal with.


A few of you might know my history with my step-father and that he has done a few inappropriate things since he started dating my mother (almost four years ago) such as (when I was living at home) standing just out side my bedroom door or walking into my bathroom while I was showering. Along with unwelcome back rubs which he says I must have enjoyed as much as him because I never said no (and I'd like to know since when back rubs entail touching a girls breasts). Let us not even go into the lacy nightgown he thought was a nice birthday present three years ago. About a month ago I caught him naked in my condo and I made my displeasure very well known.

So, today he sends me a email 'apologizing' where he pretty much blames his behavior on me. I used to walk about with too few clothes on, or saying I've bent over on purpose in front of him with no panties on (which I have never done, I don't even sleep without underwear on). He has this whole list of stuff that pretty much reads like 'you were asking for it'. He even has told me that he can't seem my bra without picturing me in it.

Fuck, he should have just written 'hey you little hussy it your fault that I see you sexually'. For gods sake he's my step-father and I treated him as such. When I lived at home I had every right to walk downstairs at midnight and expect not to see a naked man, or have to worry about whether my nightshirt was too short. You're a older male with in a position of authority. You're my step father. You should know better. I shouldn't have to tell you to get your hands off me.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I don't even know what to do about this. Email my mom and possible ruin her marriage? I don't want to be in this position.

I don't need this stress. I don't need this.

My hands were shaking and I had three more hours with small children.

It is three-four hours later and I've had a chance to become pissed off. Calmer, but pissed off.

I've written an email to him where I've said exactly what I think of his 'shifting the blame' and the other bullshit, but I also wrote that I he was lucky I didn't foward it to my mother. I haven't sent the email yet.

I honsently need some good advice. The people I normally go to are my mother and grandmother.

I have the urge to change my locks.

The Un-dead Post

No this doesn't mean I'm a zombie (but I make no promises about eating brains).

The nearest my brain has been to academia this summer as been the book on Margery Kempe (Margery Kempe and Translations of the Fleshby Karma Lochrie) in my bathroom and yelling at History international.

Some updates on life in general:

• Signed a contract to work after school three days a week at current job. It's at the same rate of pay and I'll get substitute work. The job market for the hours I need? Really really really sucks.
• Paid part of my fall tuition. Thank you payment plans!
• I still refuse to take a history research class where the topic is WWII. No. Just no.
• Slightly worried about taking Early Modern but I have History of England and intro to mythology. I will survive.
• Still debating between Latin intensive (the only Latin the offer this semester) or taking it at night at local community college. Cheaper and easier at the community college but I'm not jumping for joy over 730-930.
• Lending Tree? Bite me. No I will not add a second co-signer. I'm twenty six, I already have one co-signer, and my credit? Not that bad.
• Any suggestions for places that give student loans?