Thursday, November 09, 2006

Updates: It has Been a Few Months

It has been more than a few months since those horrible gut-wrenching few weeks. Thing with my step-father* are...well I don't have contact with him unless my mum is there. He is in counseling and after the first few times my mother stop trying to give me updates because I bluntly told her "I didn't care". She though has never once asked me to forgive him, though he has once. I told him I couldn't.

Which sounds pretty cold hearted, but it's going to take years to forgive him.

Part of me wishes my mum had just kicked his ass to the curb, so didn't have to deal with him. She loves him and has forgiven him, and that is okay I guess. I want her to be happy.

I have new habits now. I look for his van on the street when I come home. I have my cell phone in my hand when I enter my condo alone. I put the slide lock on even when a friend is over. And other safety measures that are best left unsaid even if I am pseudonymous (because let's face it I've probably given enough clues that someone could piece together who I am, not to metion some of you have met me).

My mother keeps the extra key with her at all time (we still fight about her giving it back to me, she doesn't seem to understand why).

Overall I'm not more paranoid but more aware. I don't fear/suspect the man I pass walking to the store around 8pm more than I did before. I trusted my step-father on some level I wouldn't trust other men because he was my mother husband, despite other incidents that should have told me otherwise. Family is family I was taught, and I never had a reason to be wary of family.

Sometimes it is easier to not think about what happened and still think about him as the cool guy that plays Jazz and makes my mum smile. Sometimes I hate him so much I want to hurt something.

Most of the time I don't think about him at all, and that is the way it should be.

For new readers the posts "You didn't say no" and "Sometimes Blaming the Victim Works", are good background posts to understand this post better.

*(#2 not to be confused with my out of state step-da that was my 'dad' after my bio-dad died. Yes sometimes I wonder if my mother's multiple husbands, there were two more before my bio-dad, and my obsession interest in Wife of Bath are intermeshed.)

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